Sunday, October 30, 2011


So, I have been slacking lately on a lot of things.  But I have a lot of things to do as well.  For those of you who might already know, and some that might not, we had a death in the family. 

Amanda is my niece's, Emma, mother.  She passed away suddenly in September.  Emma is now living with my brother who is stationed in California just like Tommy and I.  My mother was here for almost a month helping with the transition of this little girl.  She is now enrolled into school.  TJ and her have a house.  Life is moving forward.

I am not going to lie and say that everything is ok.  I worry about her all the time.  I know she is not my child, but she is my niece and I love her so very much.  I know that other family members feel the same way too.

On top of Amanda's death, Tommy and my father are deployed.  Can we say.. just add a little more stress, a pinch of worry, and a pound of missing them?

However, as of late, I am taking up the motto "Life goes on" because it does.  No matter how much we want time to stop, it will not.  No matter how much we want to change things, depending upon the changes, we probably cannot.  There is one thing you have control over and that is yourself.  No one else.  No matter what thoughts you have on that matter.  Children, siblings, dogs, spouses... seriously.  Only you.

With this new retrospect... ok it really is not new, but new to me actually processing it "for real", I have come to the conclusion that it is necessary for me to get out of my void and move forward.  Time does it, I might as well join that bandwagon!

With that being said, I am starting my 30 days of Paleo over.  Starting today.  I have to get back on track and do what it is that I want to do.  "Live our lives with no regrets" is the quote that Tommy said to me on our wedding night.  So, there are just even more reasons for me to live my life the way I want to, but mainly for myself.

Self-esteem issues have always been prevalent in my life.  I never have thought of myself as pretty or beautiful.  With everything that has happened though, I have realized that I need to find some common ground with that.  I can have everyone that I know love me with all their hearts, but if I do not love myself, then there is no true love.  I am working on it.  I promise.  I know that there are others out there who struggle with the same idea.  I know that there might be someone who will read this and want to tell me that I am crazy; that I am a wonderful person, but the truth is... I do have to love myself.

There has always been a fine line between what I do for the ones I love and what I do for me.  It always seems that I end up focusing more on those that I love vs myself.  So, I will be focusing a little more on myself, without having to give up my love for those in my life... I hope that makes sense?  It makes sense to me.  I know that I am not a selfish person, nor do I even intend of turning into one (it just does not fit my personality), but let it be known that I have not forgotten about myself, my needs, or my desires.  I have just put them on a back burner for so long and now I am coming to the realization that the only person in this world that I am "hurting" is myself.

So here goes nothing...