tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26881181147343802552024-03-13T19:42:36.256-07:00Starting New ChaptersMelis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-12245674443244711132012-07-01T10:52:00.000-07:002012-07-01T10:52:27.656-07:00The Lessons I have Learned<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Lessons:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">1) It is up to you to make your path.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">2) Just because you are willing to do something for others, don't expect the same in return.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">3) People will lie and be deceitful even if you try to have the best intentions.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">4) Put faith into yourself. The rest will follow.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">5) Being loyal can be a fault.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">6) Facebook can be your friend or your foe. There is a lot of information one can get on there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">7) One day I will be enough for just one person. Now just is not that time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">8) It is ok to be vulnerable. You just have to be careful to whom.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">9) Everyone comes with baggage. No matter how hard they try to hide it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">10) Loving and losing is not failure. It is just a fact of life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">11) I am insecure. I try to hide it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">12) I am not perfect and that is ok.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">13) Being nice is one thing. Sometimes, though, you must speak your mind to avoid being taken advantage of.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">14) I am naive and trust WAY too easily.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">15) I didn't chose solitude. It chose me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">16) Life doesn't get any easier. You just learn how to handle things differently.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">17) Gone are the days of "carefree".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">18) Even on my worst days, I don't give up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">19) Don't judge yourself based on others.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">20) Make up your own idea of success and live by that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">21) I am not as strong as I look, but I choose to face the world as though I am.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">22) Love yourself. Only you can control your happiness.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">23) Know when to fight for something or when to walk away.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">24) Laugh. Especially at yourself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">25) Find something to be grateful for every day. Big or small.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">26) Try something at least once. That way you may be able to formulate your own opinion.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">27) Find something that calms you or brings you peace.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">28) Live your life. You only get one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">29) No regrets. Everything happens for a reason. It may take a while to know the reason, but it is there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">30) I have high standards and live by strict morals and virtues that others may not be able to live up to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So there you have it. 30 Lessons. I chose 30 since in two months, I will be turning 30. I thought it rather fitting. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">This past year has been full of obstacles that easily could have crushed me. Easily. I have fought with my demons. Inside and out. I have fought with my friends and my family. I have made many acquaintances because some have went just as quickly as they came into my life. I have hurt people just as much as others have hurt me. I have asked people to be honest, when at times I have withheld the truth. I have judged and have been judged. I am learning to forgive myself as well as others. I still have a lot of growing left to do, but I will eventually make it to the other side.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I try to stay positive, but some days it is hard. I try to move forward- make a plan for my life- but some days my mind is blank. While other days, it is filled with random clutter. But I hold on to those lessons I have learned. They are instilled in my brain and heart. Choices I make may not always be the right ones, but at least they are my choices.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I do not think that I am above reproach or that I don't have things to correct, but it would be nice to have a little rest from all my craziness. I have plenty of flaws and faults. These days they just seem to be more abundantly clear. I know that I am my own worst critic. I know that how things play out in my head are not always what happens, but again it would be nice for a little less drama and more peace.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I know that I am on a search to find my place in life. I think that for a while now I have been going at things all wrong. I need to make peace with myself to be able to move forward. I also need to stop looking for answers from other. Only I have the answers to my questions. I need to worry about me and not others view of my worthiness in their lives. I need to stop looking over my shoulder. I just need to live. To breath. To see. To enjoy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I need to be me. Find the "Me" that I have pushed aside and stay the "Me". I have been at fault for trying to be something I am not. I have tried to fit a mold of someone else's idea. I need to be ok with me being me. Not worrying about asking forgiveness for it. And I need to learn that it is ok to try and fail. Even if it hurts or is a disappointment. Even if it changes my view on something or someone. I have played it safe for a long, long time. I will not hide behind the illusions I create in my mind or want to believe. I will start questioning people's motives. There have been trials and errors in my life. I have been let down, but I keep moving forward. I have been given the same lesson over and over again by different people or areas in my life. I need to learn that lesson. I need to remember that lesson so as I may be able to truly move forward. So as I may be able to learn a new lesson. I am so tired of being let down. I feel as though that is my "norm" right now. Or am I being let down because I keeping looking at the wrong place and at the wrong time? For once it would be nice to be in the right place at the right time. Perhaps one of these days I will. For now though, I will just hold on to my lessons.</span>Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-51907808782316146292012-06-24T12:53:00.000-07:002012-06-24T13:02:46.315-07:00Two months...OopsTwo months have gone by since my last post. My bad.. <br />
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There have been plenty of things going on in my life though. The "re-construction" of Melissa and my new life is in full effect.<br />
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I will not lie and say that things have been all sunshine and rainbows. I do have my bad days. But not nearly as much as before. I have learned that I have been consumed with me and my problems that I have pushed others aside. I am sorry for that. I am still learning how exactly to move on. To get passed all my craziness. I live a rather secluded life right now. I choose it because I am afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of unworthiness. Afraid that I will say the wrong thing. Afraid that I will become too attached to someone. Afraid. But now is the time to move past that fear. To get out of my head and start living. At times though it is hard. It is hard because of the Ex. He thought we could be friends. He was wrong. When he finally admitted that his girlfriend was a girl he met in Afghan, he just helped reaffirm to me that I need to start believing in my gut. In some of the thoughts I have.<br />
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For those that know me, you can attest that I am an over thinker. The problem lies with me and the need to over analyze EVERYTHING. I do not know when or how it came about. I do not know if I have always been like this or if it was from my life experiences that made it happen. All I know is that it is there. At times, it bothers me and gets the best of me. It really does. <br />
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I can officially say that I have a permanent job. I am looking for a place to live for myself and the dogs. I am moving forward. I am trying.<br />
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Last week, I went to NC for my father's retirement ceremony. It was so nice to leave California and see my family and friends. After 30 years of being a Marine, my father gets a new chapter in life. My father is an amazing person. I aspire to be like him. More importantly, I will aspire to truly find people who share his qualities to be in my life. I am talking about the whole range of my life- not just the dating arena. I had downtime to think about what I want to do with my life. I still have not figured it all out, but that week on the beach helped me immensely. I need to get right by me. I need to stop putting factors and variables up for me to consider. This is about me and my future. I also had time to think about priorities. <br />
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It was an emotional time at NC. My father said it best though when he said, "Melissa has had a tough year." No joke. I have. Sometimes I feel as though I have been through Hell and back, but I am still standing. I tried to maintain a level of self-control. I have been trying to keep things in the orderly fashion that I like to categorize things, but lines have been becoming fuzzy. Sometimes, I feel as though there is a haze in front of me and I am lost. But I suppose that is life. Life does not get easier, you get stronger and learn how to adapt to certain things. I know that now. 10% is the cause and 90% is the reaction. Or something along those lines. I have been sitting on the sidelines of my life. It is now time to get into the Game. Fear of the unknown has kept me still. What happened to me? I used to speak my mind. I used to go after things that I wanted. When did I become so frightened? And why the HELL do I put so much thought into what others may think of me? At the end of the day, it is just me and my conscience that I have to live with.<br />
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I had the opportunity to hang out with my extended family. It was truly a blessing. I had not seen them in quite some time. Others it was nearly 12 years. I enjoyed the sand, sun and surf. I enjoyed the time spent with them. Even though we are far apart and had not seen each other in years, we picked up right where we had left off. <br />
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I returned to Cali with a renewed spirit. I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING. I just have to try it. (Remember the sideline comment). I hid behind titles and roles. I no longer have titles and roles. There is nothing from me to hide behind.... well, there is, but I am choosing not to. I could stand on my self-righteous soap box and exclaim that "I did not cheat! I did not lie! I did not... I was a damn good wife!" But the fact of the matter is, that yes it happened. Yes, I lived through it. And I will move on. Holding on to the Hate is holding onto the Ex and the "what-ifs" that may or may not surface.. so I choose to not Hate. I choose simply to move on. And I will be a better person for that... eventually.<br />
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I want to go to school. I want to have a career. I would like to be successful in how I view success. Now will be about me figuring out what I want to go to school for and what I would like my career to be. Should I have done this years ago? Sure. But my priorities were a little different then and this is now.<br />
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So, I will try and keep this thing updated a little better. But as the Melissa construction site is in full blast moving, I cannot promise anything right now. Still sorting through all my crap to find my buried treasure.Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-57622605773121743612012-04-22T11:48:00.000-07:002012-04-22T11:48:33.890-07:00Slacking.. Busy??<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Alright, so I have been off the radar again for a couple weeks now, but between work and trying to find a social life I had been burning both ends of my candle. Trust me. I am usually an 8-9 hour kind of gal. But today I woke up from a 13 hour snooze. Do not get me wrong, it felt amazing and I feel rejuvenated. And for the most part, I have learned my lesson. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">However, that does not really solve the problem of me not having any "single" friends. And no, I am not referencing guys in general for dating. I am stating that with my new status, I kinda need some different friends to hang out with sometimes. I still love my family (friends are family to me), but I also need to find some people that are on the same playing field as me. I am not looking for "mom-and-me-play-dates" but I am also not looking for "It-is-so-loud-and-so-late-club-nights". I know, I am sounding pretty old right about now and that is also something else... I need to find people that have the same ideas and are <strong><u>around</u></strong> the same age as me. It would be cool to hang out with 21 year olds... NOT! No offense to my sister or anyone else that is around that age that may read this, but I think I have done my time in Night clubs. I like to chill at home, with a glass of wine, by a fire... I do realize that there is my problem in the first place, but where would I even begin to make "Single" friends? I have been in a couple for way too long to know where to start. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Sleep is not the only thing that I have been slacking on though. I have been slacking on a little bit of everything that I had made into my "routine"(for the lack of better words). So I am restarting the 21-Day Sugar Detox. I fell of that band wagon and smacked and stumbled into "OH NO LAND" Trust me when I say that. And without going into too much detail lets just say that I feel fluffy for the first time in MONTHS and I do NOT like it. I do not like the bloating feeling. It makes me feel like I belong in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. (oh yeah... I went there). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">However, I have not been watching TV as often (perhaps not having random channels easily accessible any longer is a blessing) but I have been reading. Oh... how I love books. It is so much better than watching something. I have enough drama in my life that I do not need to feel the anxiety of "fake drama". I would rather lavish in written words and allow my imagination to paint a picture of what the author is saying. Just me though. It is a splendid feeling how words can stir any emotion that you may interpret or the author put in there. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, 21-Day Sugar Detox commences.... yet again...starting........NOW!</span>Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-5290554100591434562012-04-01T13:03:00.002-07:002012-04-01T13:05:03.347-07:00Adjustment<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Well, I have been going through a lot of things these days: mainly working, but there has been a little emotion involved. I must say that one of the best compliments that I received earlier this week was from a friend of mine. As I approached her, she said, "Where did my friend go? You look amazing" Later on in the conversation, she stated, "Melissa, you are handling this like a lady." When she said it I just shrugged it off, attempting not to cry, and stated, "I said from the very beginning I did not want to lose me in this battle." But the compliment in of itself is still a HIGH for me. Me a Lady. Better than that, acting like one. But it is not just an act folks, nope, I am the real deal.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I was driving home from work yesterday thinking to myself where I want to be in a year. Images were flashing through my mind. Career. House. Car. Beach. Books. I cannot pick just one particular image or thought that I would want, but at least I know that they are there in the back of my mind. As I was thinking about things I would like to accomplish though there are plenty of things that I have already accomplished without ever really trying. I have a great support system of family and friends (this one is key to my success). I have my health. A job. Food and Clothing. Freshly shavin' legs and out of the dryer sheets. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">For those that do not know me well enough, it truly is the small things in life that matter to me. It is. And I might have said it before but I will say it again,<span style="background-color: magenta;"> <strong><u>I expect great things from people because I would be willing to do great things for them.</u></strong></span> Some times I am disappointed. Some times, I am left in amazement. There have been some people that I have distance myself from. Some because I am in control of my life, not them. Others, I am learning to truly trust them and myself. I am guarding myself very tightly. I am looking out for my own interests. No one else will have my BEST interest at heart, but me. I feel for the first time in a while.... Free. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I have been a bit extreme these days with work and I have allowed it to get the best of me... plus, I have been wanting to do fun things and not worry about the consequences of it. I have been staying up late and eating all kinds of wrong-for-me-food. My buddy, Civilized Caveman is about to start the 21-day (His is 30 day) Sugar Detox. I will be right there with him. I kept pushing off some sad excuse as to, "Oh it is not that bad...it kinda could be considered Paleo"... "or I will workout when I get home..." and then I wonder why I get scatterbrained or cannot sleep, or my stomach hurts, or I have not felt good in a few days. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, Today and all the rest of the days to come are about me. I need to focus on myself and get in the direction I want to go. I do not want to be stagnant. I want to keep moving forward. </span>Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-16000575387768783562012-03-26T21:55:00.000-07:002012-03-26T21:55:52.576-07:00Notes to Self<span style="font-family: inherit;">People asked about you today,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I shrugged and said "I don't know".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I thought about explaining it,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I chose to let it go.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I thought about the past,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As I continued on my way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am thankful for the lessons </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That I now know today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Even though things got messy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And hateful words were said,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The memories of you and me</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Will play in my heart and head.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As I pick up the pieces that were shattered on the floor,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">There is nothing that I want from you anymore.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As I filter through these emotions of mine,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I smile through it all</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Acting as though I am fine.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It may take awhile for me </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To get on my feet and try,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But once I do </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I will find that true someone</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Who will not make me cry</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">---That being me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My poem to me</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">No one will love me the way I need to be loved the way I can love me. No one will accept me the way I can accept myself. People will look at me and judge me for my appearance, behavior, and emotions. But I will never have to ask myself for forgiveness. I will never have to ask myself to give me attention or time. It is hard for me to be vulnerable with just anyone. However, I cannot hide from myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I just need to learn to stop being so hard on myself. I need to learn that failure sometimes is a good thing. I will put myself out there and I will be shunned or rejected. I need not let it bother me as much as it has in the past. I need to learn that along with success, failures will come along the way. If you are truly my friend, I will either know it automatically or I will find out along the way. For those that may hurt me, I need to learn how to forgive and move on. I should not dwell on what "could have been", "should have been" or "would have been". There may be relationships on the way that start and fizzle out. There may be some that continue to burn. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am a very hopeful person. I will not fight for attention nor affection from anyone though. I have done that for far too long. Either you want to be around me or you don't. Guys and girls included. I am not a mean person, but I will tell you like it is if you ask. I will apologize when I feel as though I have wronged you, but do not mistake that as a weakness. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am learning "Life" again. I am dusting myself off. I may be a bit rusty. I may not talk to some friends for a while, but it does not mean that I do not care. Life is too short and too precious to sweat all the small stuff. I am learning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Forgive. Forget. Love yourself. Don't let people take the control away from you. I may not have been the "right" one or "good enough" in someone else's mind, but I need to at least be that way to me. I am learning that there might be more assholes than real people, but at least I am learning that now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I will take every failure as a lesson. Every success as a pat on the back or the feeling of going in the right direction. I will put myself out there, even if only to be turned down at the first sign of trouble. It might be hard for me at first, but after enough practice it will not be. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I will eventually make friends that are not mutual and have to share them or be careful of what I say around certain people. I do expect a lot out of my friends, but mainly it is because I expect that out of me. I will be loyal to those who mean something to me... but now I just know not to make it a fault. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am not a confrontational person. I will avoid it as much as possible, but I will stand up for myself or just walk away. I have fought for something for so long, without realizing that I was the one who held the answers to the questions that I had. I do not need my friends and family to worry about me. No one will have the control that I released from my grips. I will hold onto myself and never lose her again.</span>Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-62130860831826299942012-03-23T20:11:00.001-07:002012-03-23T21:14:17.064-07:00Ranting And Raving!!!<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Today, Tommy comes home. Today, the thing that has helped me maintain and manage sensibly is leaving me with each mile he gets closer to home. Today, I am weak. NOT because I want him. NOT because I want to stay married. NOT for any other reason than it has "HIT" me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am a good person. That is what I keep telling myself. I really hope that it is true. Because I do believe that I deserve good things to happen, but right about now I feel like I am at the bottom of a wave, trying so hard to reach the surface to catch my breath with not a chance. I understand that everything must be demolished before you can rebuild. I get it. I might have tried to rush certain processes, but I am aware of my mistakes. That will not happen again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I saw my in-laws tonight. Probably the last time I will ever see them, at least as my in-laws. They were kind and told me that they loved me. It was nice getting to see them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Now it is time for me to get my head on straight. Now is the time for those who said they would be in my corner to step up. I am on the road to somewhere.. I just have not found my path yet. I will need encouragement along the way. I will need hugs, laughs, support of all kinds, maybe some alcohol, and maybe some exercise. I am going to need some of your strengths to get me through. People always tell me how strong I am. Apparently, I do not know my own strength and they can see it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">7 months ago, who knew that I would be at this place? Who knew that I would have had so many trials? So many errors? So many epic fails? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">As the tears stream down my face that I am constantly trying to wipe away, I am reminded that "it is always darkest before dawn"... but why do I feel so lost? So scared? So hopeless? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am not trying to be dramatic. It may seem like that. I am just being real. I am being me. No one is perfect. I am willing to accept my mistakes, failures, lessons. I am willing to move forward. That is the only way to go. I will not remain stagnant. I will persevere. With some by my side or not. With me doing it alone if necessary. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am tired of lead-ons, strings, attitudes. I am tired of being told what to do. I am tired of..... a lot. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So cheers to me for having made it through a successful deployment of 7 months. Cheers to me for lasting so long in a marriage that seemed impossible. Cheers to those who made their own choices too! </span>Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-78247017093240009832012-03-18T12:56:00.001-07:002012-03-18T13:04:36.824-07:00Haha! That is the best you gotHow do you know when to keep going and when to let go? That was a question that was asked to me the other day. Not that I really felt the need to elaborate on any particular decision, nor did I find it necessary for me to defend my decisions, I just simply shrugged and said, "You just do. I personally think it comes to me through moments of clarity." BUT here is the thing: Why is it necessary for others to think that it is acceptable to be nosy and think that I will defend myself and my decisions? They are mine. I do not answer to anyone. I am an adult. Stop Judging me. "Judge not lest ye be judged". Why must I feel the need to say, "This is between us" when it comes to certain people? Why? If someone were to come up to me and talk about their day, I would listen. Not repeat. If I did in the past, then I apologize. I am starting to learn that some people feed off of other's drama... or help add to it. I have enough of my own that I do not need anyone stirring my pot. <br />
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When I start dating again, or even just make new friends, I will try not to bring all the insecurities that I have as a result of my ended marriage: Trust. While one word, so many reasons. Trust to believe the words. Trust for them to be sincere. Trust in just about everything. For those that are out there that are truly in my corner, I appreciate you. I may come off as naive or gullible, but in all actuality I am fully aware of my surroundings. I am just kind enough not to say anything or call people out. I am a very laid back kind of gal, who looks for that in her friends. I have spent years with drama. Years fighting. Years of not feeling pretty/skinnier enough, or just not good enough period. Years wanting someone to love me, The real Me. Years hoping that what he had to say was true. YEARS!! and staying around for as long as I did might have been a mistake, but instead of looking at it that way, I look at it as learning some really hard "Life-Lessons".<br />
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I was talking to an "old" friend/co-worker of mine the other day and he told me that Tommy will change his mind when he gets back (which is VERY SOON). I have had several people tell me that. I am here to tell the WHOLE WIDE WORLD that IF, IF that crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband does change his mind--- he has lost his EFFIN mind. I am tired of it all. I know that I cannot "out-run" my past or hide it underneath the bed or closet, but I am moving forward. "Even when you fall, you are still moving forward." I used to say that HE had "growing pains" and that I had to feel every single one of them. EVERY. But now I know that IF he had been the man that he told me he was and the man I saw versus the man that EVERYONE else saw, then I would not be in this situation.... With that being said though, I would not be the person that I am today. I know I am strong, but I am weak too. You can tell me that I am beautiful and I will smile and say, "Thank you." It is not that I do not believe you because I do, I am just very humbled and do not see what others see... or again, it might be one of those damn insecurities sneaking in. <br />
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For those that missed my post last week, I am now between a size 8 or a size 10. When I started my blog, I was fluctuating between a size 14 and a size 16. I am amazed at my transformation. I am amazed that I am actually looking myself in the mirror, really looking. I am also amazed at my outlook on myself, life, possibilities. Amazed. Walking through the mall yesterday, heading to get myself a Cafe Americano and some random dude walks up and says, "It looks like we are heading in the same direction, hot stuff" I say, "And what direction is that." The smart ass man said, "Anywhere you are going." I rolled my eyes at him very, VERY dramatically. I said "Thank you for the compliment, but that is the best line you got. Oops, I just realized that I going in the wrong direction." Busted a 180, and fled. I am not saying that I was not flattered, but I will say that I was not comfortable with the situation. I do know how to hold my own, but I was uncomfortable about it because there I was minding my own business and out of nowhere some dude is walking and talking with me as if we have known each other for years. After passing a few stores, I went into one and watched as this guy walked by... Apparently he also did a 180. I am not familiar with the rules of dating these days... Obviously since I have been out of the game for about 6 years. But sad and overused pick-up lines, are definitely not how a guy will get my attention. Last but not least, and this goes for everyone: You want my attention, then give me yours.Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-24268926616083092342012-03-11T19:39:00.000-07:002012-03-11T19:39:35.542-07:00My OH MyThis week has been a lot about opportunities and I do believe that I have been open and willing to except a lot of them without hesitation. For those that know me, that was not me. Sometimes I calculated things to the point of no return and was still indecisive. But as I said in my previous post, Life is about change. I believe that all the steps that I have been taking are GIANT leaps forward. Forward to a new life. A new beginning. <br />
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As weird as it may sound, this divorce is one of the best things that Tommy ever gave me. It helped me center myself. It helped me realize who I really am (even though I had struggled with that identity for a little bit). It also helped me re-kindle friendships that I had not even known that the embers were still there and I am glad to say that I do not think that it is necessary for me to hold out on friendships because of the uncomfortably of my partner or due to the fact that my partner does not get along with those people. On a different note, I am also fully aware that some of my friendships died or were held back because of their dislike for Tommy. Hindsight is 20/20 though. <br />
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When there will be a next person, they will understand that I am an individual first and a couple second. They will not have a problem with whom my friends are; they will accept me for who I am: a friendly, loyal, outgoing person who has a plethora of friends that range from all over the country.. even world. <br />
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On an absolutely different note, I went clothes shopping today. Ahhh... yes. and I was dreading it at first until I tried on my first pair of pants. Size 12. WAY TOO BIG! Size 10. Baggy. Size 8. Perfect fit. Thank you Gap! lol<br />
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Also, this weekend I got to hang out with my brother, his girlfriend and the kiddos yesterday. The adults hung out and drank a few Coronas in memory of a dear friend of ours that we lost in 2008. Today would have been his birthday. Marcus Preudhomme, you may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Life is all about change. But let's not get caught up in all the dramas of it without allowing yourself a little room to play. I was talking with a friend of mine earlier today and I promised them that I will "keep things real, but fun. Otherwise, life is boring." I meant it. And one more thing: I will not change myself or my views for anyone and I will not apologize for that. Either you like me the way that I am and you will not try and change me or -----> THERE IS THE DOOR!Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-71600542128735785792012-03-06T20:12:00.000-08:002012-03-06T20:12:32.799-08:00Well wellSo, as life has it, there is constant change. I think that is what keeps all of us going. No matter how much some people "hate" change, it will happen. With that being said, I cut off some of my hair, went a little more blonde, and got some pep in my step. <br />
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For those that really know me, you know that I dislike being "vulnerable" in any sense, but these days I tend to find myself just that. But for those that are willing to put up with it, I appreciate it. Also, things are looking brighter than what they used to. I seem to have found certain things in my life, whether tangible or a figure of speech.<br />
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I wanted to say that I am a positive person. It is not a front. It is just who I am. I will never ask for forgiveness for that, nor do I expect anyone to ask that of me. However, I am also a very analytical person and at times I dissect conversations or actions to the smallest detail. Call it insecurity, call it wacky, call it whatever you may want. Sometimes I can turn it off and sometimes I cannot. Sometimes I spend the nights tossing and turning trying to turn my brain off. <br />
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With that said though, I am glad to have the friends that I have, whether they have been around for a while or a new extension. I am truly a blessed person. Having these friends leaves me feeling less of the need for affirmation that I will succeed. I can see it in their facial expressions or hear it in their voices when they speak to me. Again, THANK YOU.Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-71373876302582374412012-02-20T13:59:00.000-08:002012-02-20T13:59:47.424-08:00Moving onOkay, so apparently I am not so good with follow through. Little did I know that when I started my journey on "New Chapters" did I realize that it was going to be 100% true. <br />
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January 21, 2012, Tommy told me he wanted a divorce. It has been a battle for me emotionally, mentally, and physically. For those of you that might read this and have gone through a divorce, I believe that I can say that I understand. For those of you who haven't, think about putting all of your dreams and goals onto and into someone else and then get sucker punched in the stomach. That is how I felt. We are battling a war between the two of us. I have tried my hardest to keep my emotions from getting the best of me, but "Err is human" and I am that. In the end, I truly believe that this is what is for the best. For those that truly know me, you know the struggles and adversaries that I faced as an individual and as a couple.<br />
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Amongst other things, however, my health is increasing on a day to day basis. I wanted to post pics of when I started this journey and my most recent pic that I took the other night. I was completely unaware of the physical appearance until I looked myself in the mirror the other night. So here they are:<br />
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So the top was in the beginning of Sept and the bottom was taken on Feb 18. I know that they are not the same outfits as before, but I do not care. It still shows my change.<br />
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Thank all of you that will read this. Thank you to my friends for the support you have shown me. Also, thank you for being so patient and understanding as I am trying to figure things out for myself.Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-36444981054289648742011-11-23T11:24:00.000-08:002011-11-23T11:24:11.286-08:00Time flys...Ok, So I had promised that I was going to actually stick to this thing and yet... almost a month ago was my last post. I swear, I am busy. Busy living life. Busy exercising. Busy. Busy. Busy. I am learning a lot about myself and have been seeing results for changing my diet.<br />
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For those of you who have know me for awhile, you know that I fluctuate weight on a regular basis. Thanks to my friend George and the Paleo movement, I am hoping to solve that problem for the rest of my life. Do not get me wrong. I sway back to the "dark side" every once in a while, but with consequences. TRUST ME when I say you do not want to know the details. However, it is about changing my mindset, my cravings, my everything. Which we all know that if we walk and talk a certain way for 29 years, it may take set backs and wrong turns. But I am getting there. Almost three months down and I see a difference in my clothes, the way I feel, my mind is clear. Goals are in the near future. Which makes me now think that I need to re-evaluate my goals and set new ones. With that being said.... Here is an update of my pictures<br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Progress, But I am still not content. Gotta keep it up!</div>Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-72244533015267722072011-10-30T15:40:00.000-07:002011-10-30T15:40:09.843-07:00SlackingSo, I have been slacking lately on a lot of things. But I have a lot of things to do as well. For those of you who might already know, and some that might not, we had a death in the family. <br />
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Amanda is my niece's, Emma, mother. She passed away suddenly in September. Emma is now living with my brother who is stationed in California just like Tommy and I. My mother was here for almost a month helping with the transition of this little girl. She is now enrolled into school. TJ and her have a house. Life is moving forward. <br />
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I am not going to lie and say that everything is ok. I worry about her all the time. I know she is not my child, but she is my niece and I love her so very much. I know that other family members feel the same way too.<br />
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On top of Amanda's death, Tommy and my father are deployed. Can we say.. just add a little more stress, a pinch of worry, and a pound of missing them?<br />
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However, as of late, I am taking up the motto "Life goes on" because it does. No matter how much we want time to stop, it will not. No matter how much we want to change things, depending upon the changes, we probably cannot. There is one thing you have control over and that is yourself. No one else. No matter what thoughts you have on that matter. Children, siblings, dogs, spouses... seriously. Only you.<br />
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With this new retrospect... ok it really is not new, but new to me actually processing it "for real", I have come to the conclusion that it is necessary for me to get out of my void and move forward. Time does it, I might as well join that bandwagon!<br />
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With that being said, I am starting my 30 days of Paleo over. Starting today. I have to get back on track and do what it is that I want to do. "Live our lives with no regrets" is the quote that Tommy said to me on our wedding night. So, there are just even more reasons for me to live my life the way I want to, but mainly for myself.<br />
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Self-esteem issues have always been prevalent in my life. I never have thought of myself as pretty or beautiful. With everything that has happened though, I have realized that I need to find some common ground with that. I can have everyone that I know love me with all their hearts, but if I do not love myself, then there is no true love. I am working on it. I promise. I know that there are others out there who struggle with the same idea. I know that there might be someone who will read this and want to tell me that I am crazy; that I am a wonderful person, but the truth is... I do have to love myself.<br />
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There has always been a fine line between what I do for the ones I love and what I do for me. It always seems that I end up focusing more on those that I love vs myself. So, I will be focusing a little more on myself, without having to give up my love for those in my life... I hope that makes sense? It makes sense to me. I know that I am not a selfish person, nor do I even intend of turning into one (it just does not fit my personality), but let it be known that I have not forgotten about myself, my needs, or my desires. I have just put them on a back burner for so long and now I am coming to the realization that the only person in this world that I am "hurting" is myself.<br />
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So here goes nothing...Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-42185305413268580532011-09-06T17:46:00.000-07:002011-09-06T17:46:00.660-07:00TrackingWhile I am a little embarassed about these, I believe that it is necessary to post these up for inspiration for myself. so here goes....<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5nJJgrs5cks/Tma-UExH94I/AAAAAAAAACA/mMH4yovc_sU/s1600/Week+1+Front+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" nba="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5nJJgrs5cks/Tma-UExH94I/AAAAAAAAACA/mMH4yovc_sU/s320/Week+1+Front+2.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZhM9Ph9JDN0/Tma-WinJVJI/AAAAAAAAACE/TsnDGzQPBlA/s1600/Week+1+side.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" nba="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZhM9Ph9JDN0/Tma-WinJVJI/AAAAAAAAACE/TsnDGzQPBlA/s320/Week+1+side.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XPG71fLiEYA/Tma-Y2Y1JVI/AAAAAAAAACI/L0wVNEUJEo4/s1600/Week+1+side+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" nba="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XPG71fLiEYA/Tma-Y2Y1JVI/AAAAAAAAACI/L0wVNEUJEo4/s320/Week+1+side+2.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>Iam currently weighing in at 176.9 lbs. I will measure myself a little later...Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-78302249713996227062011-09-06T11:26:00.000-07:002011-09-06T11:26:29.418-07:00Ahhhh....Ok, so I have been slacking a little. Well, technically, not really. Just been doing other things. Tommy left last Monday. My birthday was Wednesday. I had friends come visit. So, I was a little busy... lol. <br />
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Here is what is going on. I have been reading Robb Wolf's book, "The Paleo Soultion". It is amazing.<br />
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Plus, I found out that I have more friends in the Paleo network. My friend George is one of the main reasons why I started this quest, but after reading the book... It was always there. I will soon be tracking myself. via pics, weight, and measurements. I will not post them immediately, but I will eventually. <br />
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Here goes nothing!!<br />
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By the way, here is a shout out to my buddy George!!<br />
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<a href="http://www.civilizedcavemancookingcreations.com/">http://www.civilizedcavemancookingcreations.com/</a>Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-6216362775593987052011-08-24T11:20:00.000-07:002011-08-24T11:20:39.184-07:00No excusesSo, I was walking along with my cousin on our morning tour, and I see this table at the side of the road getting ready to be picked up for trash.... that could not happen. I RAN back to her house and grabbed my car. The table is now here safe and sound. The purpose for this table will be to keep those cute, fluffy rabbits FAR AWAY from my soon-to-be container garden! The irony in the matter was that I was thinking about how in the world I was going to stop the furry-destroyers from getting to my plants last night. I had figured that I would just make a platform with some wood, but now.... hahaha. Take that fluffy! <br />
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On an other note, with my birthday coming up and me wanting change I have come to some conclusions... please no judging...<br />
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1. I WILL quit smoking.<br />
2. I am changing my diet<br />
3.Exercise will not be a chore<br />
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While still vague and not real meaty these conclusions/goals are, they will fill-in as I figure out what the heck I am doing :o)<br />
Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688118114734380255.post-14979438147652666322011-08-22T12:17:00.000-07:002011-08-22T12:33:54.374-07:00Nothing dramaticI promise this is not a blog telling you that I am leaving my husband or anything of the sort. I chose the name "Starting New Chapters" because I feel as though I am in a rut. This blog is just for me to share things with people. <br />
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Right now, things are about to change. <br />
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I am the type of person that allows the needs of my husband to outrank my needs. And while some may argue that marriage is like that, I must disagree. I love him, but it is now ME, some of it might have to do with the fact that he will be on "vacay" for a while, but all in all, he knows that I love him; and he loves me. I just need to get myself to WAKE up and love myself... <br />
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I have been looking into changing my life. The way I eat and exercise mainly. I want to like myself and like what I see in the mirror. (I am pretty sure that some of you know exactly what I am saying). <br />
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So, with that, I am starting new chapters. I am going to use this blog to inspire whomever, probably moreso just myself. I enjoying doing many things I am sure that I will be posting about not just my changes but my hobbies as well.Melis.T.Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13436418485972356770noreply@blogger.com0