My OH My

This week has been a lot about opportunities and I do believe that I have been open and willing to except a lot of them without hesitation.  For those that know me, that was not me.  Sometimes I calculated things to the point of no return and was still indecisive.  But as I said in my previous post, Life is about change.  I believe that all the steps that I have been taking are GIANT leaps forward.  Forward to a new life.  A new beginning. 

As weird as it may sound, this divorce is one of the best things that Tommy ever gave me.  It helped me center myself.  It helped me realize who I really am (even though I had struggled with that identity for a little bit).  It also helped me re-kindle friendships that I had not even known that the embers were still there and I am glad to say that I do not think that it is necessary for me to hold out on friendships because of  the uncomfortably of my partner or due to the fact that my partner does not get along with those people.  On a different note, I am also fully aware that some of my friendships died or were held back because of their dislike for Tommy.  Hindsight is 20/20 though. 

When there will be a next person, they will understand that I am an individual first and a couple second.  They will not have a problem with whom my friends are; they will accept me for who I am: a friendly, loyal, outgoing person who has a plethora of friends that range from all over the country.. even world.

On an absolutely different note, I went clothes shopping today.  Ahhh... yes.  and I was dreading it at first until I tried on my first pair of pants.  Size 12.  WAY TOO BIG! Size 10.  Baggy.  Size 8. Perfect fit.  Thank you Gap! lol

Also, this weekend I got to hang out with my brother, his girlfriend and the kiddos yesterday.  The adults hung out and drank a few Coronas in memory of a dear friend of ours that we lost in 2008.  Today would have been his birthday.  Marcus Preudhomme, you may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

Life is all about change.  But let's not get caught up in all the dramas of it without allowing yourself a little room to play.  I was talking with a friend of mine earlier today and I promised them that I will "keep things real, but fun.  Otherwise, life is boring."  I meant it.  And one more thing:  I will not change myself or my views for anyone and I will not apologize for that.  Either you like me the way that I am and you will not try and change me or -----> THERE IS THE DOOR!

Well well

So, as life has it, there is constant change.  I think that is what keeps all of us going.  No matter how much some people "hate" change, it will happen.  With that being said, I cut off some of my hair, went a little more blonde, and got some pep in my step. 

For those that really know me, you know that I dislike being "vulnerable" in any sense, but these days I tend to find myself just that.  But for those that are willing to put up with it, I appreciate it.  Also, things are looking brighter than what they used to.  I seem to have found certain things in my life, whether tangible or a figure of speech.

I wanted to say that I am a positive person.  It is not a front.  It is just who I am.  I will never ask for forgiveness for that, nor do I expect anyone to ask that of me.  However, I am also a very analytical person and at times I dissect conversations or actions to the smallest detail.  Call it insecurity, call it wacky, call it whatever you may want.  Sometimes I can turn it off and sometimes I cannot.  Sometimes I spend the nights tossing and turning trying to turn my brain off. 

With that said though, I am glad to have the friends that I have, whether they have been around for a while or a new extension.  I am truly a blessed person.  Having these friends leaves me feeling less of the need for affirmation that I will succeed.  I can see it in their facial expressions or hear it in their voices when they speak to me.  Again, THANK YOU.

Moving on

Okay, so apparently I am not so good with follow through.  Little did I know that when I started my journey on "New Chapters" did I realize that it was going to be 100% true. 

January 21, 2012, Tommy told me he wanted a divorce.  It has been a battle for me emotionally, mentally, and physically.  For those of you that might read this and have gone through a divorce, I believe that I can say that I understand.  For those of you who haven't, think about putting all of your dreams and goals onto and into someone else and then get sucker punched in the stomach.  That is how I felt.  We are battling a war between the two of us.  I have tried my hardest to keep my emotions from getting the best of me, but "Err is human" and I am that.   In the end, I truly believe that this is what is for the best.  For those that truly know me, you know the struggles and adversaries that I faced as an individual and as a couple.

Amongst other things, however, my health is increasing on a day to day basis.  I wanted to post pics of when I started this journey and my most recent pic that I took the other night.  I was completely unaware of the physical appearance until I looked myself in the mirror the other night.  So here they are:

So the top was in the beginning of Sept and the bottom was taken on Feb 18.  I know that they are not the same outfits as before, but I do not care.  It still shows my change.

Thank all of you that will read this.  Thank you to my friends for the support you have shown me.  Also, thank you for being so patient and understanding as I am trying to figure things out for myself.

Time flys...

Ok, So I had promised that I was going to actually stick to this thing and yet... almost a month ago was my last post.  I swear, I am busy.  Busy living life.  Busy exercising.  Busy. Busy. Busy.  I am learning a lot about myself and have been seeing results for changing my diet.

For those of you who have know me for awhile, you know that I fluctuate weight on a regular basis.  Thanks to my friend George and the Paleo movement, I am hoping to solve that problem for the rest of my life.  Do not get me wrong.  I sway back to the "dark side" every once in a while, but with consequences. TRUST ME when I say you do not want to know the details.  However, it is about changing my mindset, my cravings, my everything.  Which we all know that if we walk and talk a certain way for 29 years, it may take set backs and wrong turns.  But I am getting there.  Almost three months down and I see a difference in my clothes, the way I feel, my mind is clear.  Goals are in the near future.  Which makes me now think that I need to re-evaluate my goals and set new ones.  With that being said.... Here is an update of my pictures

Progress, But I am still not content.  Gotta keep it up!

Slacking

So, I have been slacking lately on a lot of things.  But I have a lot of things to do as well.  For those of you who might already know, and some that might not, we had a death in the family. 

Amanda is my niece's, Emma, mother.  She passed away suddenly in September.  Emma is now living with my brother who is stationed in California just like Tommy and I.  My mother was here for almost a month helping with the transition of this little girl.  She is now enrolled into school.  TJ and her have a house.  Life is moving forward.

I am not going to lie and say that everything is ok.  I worry about her all the time.  I know she is not my child, but she is my niece and I love her so very much.  I know that other family members feel the same way too.

On top of Amanda's death, Tommy and my father are deployed.  Can we say.. just add a little more stress, a pinch of worry, and a pound of missing them?

However, as of late, I am taking up the motto "Life goes on" because it does.  No matter how much we want time to stop, it will not.  No matter how much we want to change things, depending upon the changes, we probably cannot.  There is one thing you have control over and that is yourself.  No one else.  No matter what thoughts you have on that matter.  Children, siblings, dogs, spouses... seriously.  Only you.

With this new retrospect... ok it really is not new, but new to me actually processing it "for real", I have come to the conclusion that it is necessary for me to get out of my void and move forward.  Time does it, I might as well join that bandwagon!

With that being said, I am starting my 30 days of Paleo over.  Starting today.  I have to get back on track and do what it is that I want to do.  "Live our lives with no regrets" is the quote that Tommy said to me on our wedding night.  So, there are just even more reasons for me to live my life the way I want to, but mainly for myself.

Self-esteem issues have always been prevalent in my life.  I never have thought of myself as pretty or beautiful.  With everything that has happened though, I have realized that I need to find some common ground with that.  I can have everyone that I know love me with all their hearts, but if I do not love myself, then there is no true love.  I am working on it.  I promise.  I know that there are others out there who struggle with the same idea.  I know that there might be someone who will read this and want to tell me that I am crazy; that I am a wonderful person, but the truth is... I do have to love myself.

There has always been a fine line between what I do for the ones I love and what I do for me.  It always seems that I end up focusing more on those that I love vs myself.  So, I will be focusing a little more on myself, without having to give up my love for those in my life... I hope that makes sense?  It makes sense to me.  I know that I am not a selfish person, nor do I even intend of turning into one (it just does not fit my personality), but let it be known that I have not forgotten about myself, my needs, or my desires.  I have just put them on a back burner for so long and now I am coming to the realization that the only person in this world that I am "hurting" is myself.

So here goes nothing...

Tracking

While I am a little embarassed about these, I believe that it is necessary to post these up for inspiration for myself. so here goes....

Iam currently weighing in at 176.9 lbs.  I will measure myself a little later...

Ahhhh....

Ok, so I have been slacking a little.  Well, technically, not really.  Just been doing other things.  Tommy left last Monday.  My birthday was Wednesday.  I had friends come visit.  So, I was a little busy... lol. 

Here is what is going on.  I have been reading Robb Wolf's book, "The Paleo Soultion".  It is amazing.

Plus, I found out that I have more friends in the Paleo network.  My friend George is one of the main reasons why I started this quest, but after reading the book... It was always there.  I will soon be tracking myself. via pics, weight, and measurements.  I will not post them immediately, but I will eventually. 

Here goes nothing!!

By the way, here is a shout out to my buddy George!!

 http://www.civilizedcavemancookingcreations.com/