Adjustment

Well, I have been going through a lot of things these days: mainly working, but there has been a little emotion involved.  I must say that one of the best compliments that I received earlier this week was from a friend of mine.  As I approached her, she said, "Where did my friend go?  You look amazing"  Later on in the conversation, she stated, "Melissa, you are handling this like a lady."  When she said it I just shrugged it off, attempting not to cry, and stated, "I said from the very beginning I did not want to lose me in this battle."  But the compliment in of itself is still a HIGH for me.  Me a Lady.  Better than that, acting like one.  But it is not just an act folks, nope, I am the real deal.

I was driving home from work yesterday thinking to myself where I want to be in a year.  Images were flashing through my mind.  Career. House. Car. Beach. Books.  I cannot pick just one particular image or thought that I would want, but at least I know that they are there in the back of my mind.  As I was thinking about things I would like to accomplish though there are plenty of things that I have already accomplished without ever really trying.  I have a great support system of family and friends (this one is key to my success).  I have my health.  A job.  Food and Clothing.  Freshly shavin' legs and out of the dryer sheets. 

For those that do not know me well enough, it truly is the small things in life that matter to me.  It is.  And I might have said it before but I will say it again, I expect great things from people because I would be willing to do great things for them.  Some times I am disappointed.  Some times, I am left in amazement.  There have been some people that I have distance myself from.  Some because I am in control of my life, not them.  Others, I am learning to truly trust them and myself.  I am guarding myself very tightly.  I am looking out for my own interests.  No one else will have my BEST interest at heart, but me.  I feel for the first time in a while.... Free.

I have been a bit extreme these days with work and I have allowed it to get the best of me... plus, I have been wanting to do fun things and not worry about the consequences of it.  I have been staying up late and eating all kinds of wrong-for-me-food.  My buddy, Civilized Caveman is about to start the 21-day (His is 30 day) Sugar Detox.  I will be right there with him.  I kept pushing off some sad excuse as to, "Oh it is not that bad...it kinda could be considered Paleo"... "or I will workout when I get home..." and then I wonder why I get scatterbrained or cannot sleep, or my stomach hurts, or I have not felt good in a few days.  

So, Today and all the rest of the days to come are about me.  I need to focus on myself and get in the direction I want to go.  I do not want to be stagnant.  I want to keep moving forward. 

Notes to Self

People asked about you today,
I shrugged and said "I don't know".
I thought about explaining it,
But I chose to let it go.
I thought about the past,
As I continued on my way.
I am thankful for the lessons
That I now know today.
Even though things got messy
And hateful words were said,
The memories of you and me
Will play in my heart and head.
As I pick up the pieces that were shattered on the floor,
There is nothing that I want from you anymore.
As I filter through these emotions of mine,
I smile through it all
Acting as though I am fine.
It may take awhile for me
To get on my feet and try,
But once I do
I will find that true someone
Who will not make me cry
---That being me.

My poem to me

No one will love me the way I need to be loved the way I can love me.  No one will accept me the way I can accept myself.  People will look at me and judge me for my appearance, behavior, and emotions.  But I will never have to ask myself for forgiveness.  I will never have to ask myself to give me attention or time.  It is hard for me to be vulnerable with just anyone.  However, I cannot hide from myself. 

I just need to learn to stop being so hard on myself.  I need to learn that failure sometimes is a good thing.  I will put myself out there and I will be shunned or rejected.  I need not let it bother me as much as it has in the past.  I need to learn that along with success, failures will come along the way.  If you are truly my friend, I will either know it automatically or I will find out along the way.  For those that may hurt me, I need to learn how to forgive and move on.  I should not dwell on what "could have been", "should have been" or "would have been".  There may be relationships on the way that start and fizzle out.  There may be some that continue to burn. 

I am a very hopeful person.  I will not fight for attention nor affection from anyone though.  I have done that for far too long.  Either you want to be around me or you don't.  Guys and girls included.  I am not a mean person, but I will tell you like it is if you ask.  I will apologize when I feel as though I have wronged you, but do not mistake that as a weakness. 

I am learning "Life" again.  I am dusting myself off.  I may be a bit rusty.  I may not talk to some friends for a while, but it does not mean that I do not care.  Life is too short and too precious to sweat all the small stuff.  I am learning. 

Forgive.  Forget.  Love yourself.  Don't let people take the control away from you.  I may not have been the "right" one or "good enough" in someone else's mind, but I need to at least be that way to me.  I am learning that there might be more assholes than real people, but at least I am learning that now. 

I will take every failure as a lesson.  Every success as a pat on the back or the feeling of going in the right direction.  I will put myself out there, even if only to be turned down at the first sign of trouble.  It might be hard for me at first, but after enough practice it will not be. 

I will eventually make friends that are not mutual and have to share them or be careful of what I say around certain people.  I do expect a lot out of my friends, but mainly it is because I expect that out of me.  I will be loyal to those who mean something to me... but now I just know not to make it a fault. 

I am not a confrontational person.  I will avoid it as much as possible, but I will stand up for myself or just walk away.  I have fought for something for so long, without realizing that I was the one who held the answers to the questions that I had.  I do not need my friends and family to worry about me.  No one will have the control that I released from my grips.  I will hold onto myself and never lose her again.

Haha! That is the best you got

How do you know when to keep going and when to let go?  That was a question that was asked to me the other day.  Not that I really felt the need to elaborate on any particular decision, nor did I find it necessary for me to defend my decisions, I just simply shrugged and said, "You just do.  I personally think it comes to me through moments of clarity."  BUT here is the thing: Why is it necessary for others to think that it is acceptable to be nosy and think that I will defend myself and my decisions?  They are mine.  I do not answer to anyone.  I am an adult.  Stop Judging me.  "Judge not lest ye be judged".  Why must I feel the need to say, "This is between us"  when it comes to certain people? Why?  If someone were to come up to me and talk about their day, I would listen.  Not repeat.  If I did in the past, then I apologize.  I am starting to learn that some people feed off of other's drama... or help add to it.  I have enough of my own that I do not need anyone stirring my pot. 

When I start dating again, or even just make new friends, I will try not to bring all the insecurities that I have as a result of my ended marriage: Trust.  While one word, so many reasons.  Trust to believe the words.  Trust for them to be sincere.  Trust in just about everything. For those that are out there that are truly in my corner, I appreciate you.  I may come off as naive or gullible, but in all actuality I am fully aware of my surroundings.  I am just kind enough not to say anything or call people out.  I am a very laid back kind of gal, who looks for that in her friends.  I have spent years with drama.  Years fighting.  Years of not feeling pretty/skinnier enough, or just not good enough period.  Years wanting someone to love me, The real Me.  Years hoping that what he had to say was true.  YEARS!! and staying around for as long as I did might have been a mistake, but instead of looking at it that way, I look at it as learning some really hard "Life-Lessons".

I was talking to an "old" friend/co-worker of mine the other day and he told me that Tommy will change his mind when he gets back (which is VERY SOON).  I have had several people tell me that.  I am here to tell the WHOLE WIDE WORLD that IF, IF that crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband does change his mind--- he has lost his EFFIN mind.  I am tired of it all.  I know that I cannot "out-run" my past or hide it underneath the bed or closet, but I am moving forward. "Even when you fall, you are still moving forward."   I used to say that HE had "growing pains" and that I had to feel every single one of them.  EVERY.  But now I know that IF he had been the man that he told me he was and the man I saw versus the man that EVERYONE else saw, then I would not be in this situation.... With that being said though, I would not be the person that I am today.  I know I am strong, but I am weak too.  You can tell me that I am beautiful and I will smile and say, "Thank you."  It is not that I do not believe you because I do, I am just very humbled and do not see what others see... or again, it might be one of those damn insecurities sneaking in. 

For those that missed my post last week, I am now between a size 8 or a size 10.  When I started my blog, I was fluctuating between a size 14 and a size 16.  I am amazed at my transformation.  I am amazed that I am actually looking myself in the mirror, really looking.  I am also amazed at my outlook on myself, life, possibilities.  Amazed.  Walking through the mall yesterday, heading to get myself a Cafe Americano and some random dude walks up and says, "It looks like we are heading in the same direction, hot stuff"  I say, "And what direction is that." The smart ass man said, "Anywhere you are going."  I rolled my eyes at him very, VERY dramatically.  I said "Thank you for the compliment, but that is the best line you got.  Oops, I just realized that I going in the wrong direction."  Busted a 180, and fled.  I am not saying that I was not flattered, but I will say that I was not comfortable with the situation.  I do know how to hold my own, but I was uncomfortable about it because there I was minding my own business and out of nowhere some dude is walking and talking with me as if we have known each other for years.  After passing a few stores, I went into one and watched as this guy walked by... Apparently he also did a 180.  I am not familiar with the rules of dating these days... Obviously since I have been out of the game for about 6 years.  But sad and overused pick-up lines, are definitely not how a guy will get my attention.  Last but not least, and this goes for everyone: You want my attention, then give me yours.

Well well

So, as life has it, there is constant change.  I think that is what keeps all of us going.  No matter how much some people "hate" change, it will happen.  With that being said, I cut off some of my hair, went a little more blonde, and got some pep in my step. 

For those that really know me, you know that I dislike being "vulnerable" in any sense, but these days I tend to find myself just that.  But for those that are willing to put up with it, I appreciate it.  Also, things are looking brighter than what they used to.  I seem to have found certain things in my life, whether tangible or a figure of speech.

I wanted to say that I am a positive person.  It is not a front.  It is just who I am.  I will never ask for forgiveness for that, nor do I expect anyone to ask that of me.  However, I am also a very analytical person and at times I dissect conversations or actions to the smallest detail.  Call it insecurity, call it wacky, call it whatever you may want.  Sometimes I can turn it off and sometimes I cannot.  Sometimes I spend the nights tossing and turning trying to turn my brain off. 

With that said though, I am glad to have the friends that I have, whether they have been around for a while or a new extension.  I am truly a blessed person.  Having these friends leaves me feeling less of the need for affirmation that I will succeed.  I can see it in their facial expressions or hear it in their voices when they speak to me.  Again, THANK YOU.