Sunday, June 24, 2012

Two months...Oops

Two months have gone by since my last post.  My bad..

There have been plenty of things going on in my life though.  The "re-construction" of Melissa and my new life is in full effect.

I will not lie and say that things have been all sunshine and rainbows.  I do have my bad days.  But not nearly as much as before.  I have learned that I have been consumed with me and my problems that I have pushed others aside.  I am sorry for that.  I am still learning how exactly to move on.  To get passed all my craziness.  I live a rather secluded life right now.  I choose it because I am afraid.  Afraid of rejection.  Afraid of unworthiness.  Afraid that I will say the wrong thing.  Afraid that I will become too attached to someone.  Afraid.  But now is the time to move past that fear.  To get out of my head and start living.  At times though it is hard.  It is hard because of the Ex.  He thought we could be friends.  He was wrong.  When he finally admitted that his girlfriend was a girl he met in Afghan, he just helped reaffirm to me that I need to start believing in my gut.  In some of the thoughts I have.

For those that know me, you can attest that I am an over thinker.  The problem lies with me and the need to over analyze EVERYTHING.  I do not know when or how it came about.  I do not know if I have always been like this or if it was from my life experiences that made it happen.  All I know is that it is there.  At times, it bothers me and gets the best of me.  It really does. 

I can officially say that I have a permanent job.  I am looking for a place to live for myself and the dogs.  I am moving forward.  I am trying.

Last week, I went to NC for my father's retirement ceremony.  It was so nice to leave California and see my family and friends.  After 30 years of being a Marine, my father gets a new chapter in life.  My father is an amazing person.  I aspire to be like him.  More importantly, I will aspire to truly find people who share his qualities to be in my life.  I am talking about the whole range of my life- not just the dating arena.  I had downtime to think about what I want to do with my life.  I still have not figured it all out, but that week on the beach helped me immensely.  I need to get right by me.  I need to stop putting factors and variables up for me to consider.  This is about me and my future.  I also had time to think about priorities.   

It was an emotional time at NC.  My father said it best though when he said, "Melissa has had a tough year."  No joke.  I have.  Sometimes I feel as though I have been through Hell and back, but I am still standing.  I tried to maintain a level of self-control.  I have been trying to keep things in the orderly fashion that I like to categorize things, but lines have been becoming fuzzy.  Sometimes, I feel as though there is a haze in front of me and I am lost.  But I suppose that is life.  Life does not get easier, you get stronger and learn how to adapt to certain things.  I know that now.  10% is the cause and 90% is the reaction.  Or something along those lines.  I have been sitting on the sidelines of my life.  It is now time to get into the Game.  Fear of the unknown has kept me still.  What happened to me?  I used to speak my mind.  I used to go after things that I wanted.  When did I become so frightened?  And why the HELL do I put so much thought into what others may think of me?  At the end of the day, it is just me and my conscience that I have to live with.

I had the opportunity to hang out with my extended family.  It was truly a blessing.  I had not seen them in quite some time.  Others it was nearly 12 years.  I enjoyed the sand, sun and surf.  I enjoyed the time spent with them.  Even though we are far apart and had not seen each other in years, we picked up right where we had left off. 

I returned to Cali with a renewed spirit.  I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.  I just have to try it.  (Remember the sideline comment).  I hid behind titles and roles.  I no longer have titles and roles.  There is nothing from me to hide behind.... well, there is, but I am choosing not to.  I could stand on my self-righteous soap box and exclaim that "I did not cheat!  I did not lie!  I did not...  I was a damn good wife!"  But the fact of the matter is, that yes it happened.  Yes, I lived through it.  And I will move on.  Holding on to the Hate is holding onto the Ex and the "what-ifs" that may or may not surface.. so I choose to not Hate.  I choose simply to move on.  And I will be a better person for that... eventually.

I want to go to school.  I want to have a career.  I would like to be successful in how I view success.  Now will be about me figuring out what I want to go to school for and what I would like my career to be.  Should I have done this years ago?  Sure.  But my priorities were a little different then and this is now.

So, I will try and keep this thing updated a little better.  But as the Melissa construction site is in full blast moving, I cannot promise anything right now.  Still sorting through all my crap to find my buried treasure.