Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Lessons I have Learned


1) It is up to you to make your path.

2) Just because you are willing to do something for others, don't expect the same in return.

3) People will lie and be deceitful even if you try to have the best intentions.

4) Put faith into yourself.  The rest will follow.

5) Being loyal can be a fault.

6) Facebook can be your friend or your foe.  There is a lot of information one can get on there.

7) One day I will be enough for just one person.  Now just is not that time.

8) It is ok to be vulnerable.  You just have to be careful to whom.

9) Everyone comes with baggage.  No matter how hard they try to hide it.

10) Loving and losing is not failure.  It is just a fact of life.

11) I am insecure.  I try to hide it.

12) I am not perfect and that is ok.

13) Being nice is one thing.  Sometimes, though, you must speak your mind to avoid being taken advantage of.

14) I am naive and trust WAY too easily.

15) I didn't chose solitude.  It chose me.

16) Life doesn't get any easier.  You just learn how to handle things differently.

17) Gone are the days of "carefree".

18) Even on my worst days, I don't give up.

19) Don't judge yourself based on others.

20) Make up your own idea of success and live by that.

21) I am not as strong as I look, but I choose to face the world as though I am.

22) Love yourself.  Only you can control your happiness.

23) Know when to fight for something or when to walk away.

24) Laugh.  Especially at yourself.

25) Find something to be grateful for every day. Big or small.

26) Try something at least once.  That way you may be able to formulate your own opinion.

27) Find something that calms you or brings you peace.

28) Live your life.  You only get one.

29) No regrets.  Everything happens for a reason.  It may take a while to know the reason, but it is there.

30) I have high standards and live by strict morals and virtues that others may not be able to live up to.

So there you have it.  30 Lessons.  I chose 30 since in two months, I will be turning 30.  I thought it rather fitting. 

This past year has been full of obstacles that easily could have crushed me.  Easily.  I have fought with my demons.  Inside and out.  I have fought with my friends and my family.  I have made many acquaintances because some have went just as quickly as they came into my life.  I have hurt people just as much as others have hurt me.  I have asked people to be honest, when at times I have withheld the truth.  I have judged and have been judged.  I am learning to forgive myself as well as others.  I still have a lot of growing left to do, but I will eventually make it to the other side.

I try to stay positive, but some days it is hard.  I try to move forward- make a plan for my life- but some days my mind is blank.  While other days, it is filled with random clutter.  But I hold on to those lessons I have learned.  They are instilled in my brain and heart.  Choices I make may not always be the right ones, but at least they are my choices.

I do not think that I am above reproach or that I don't have things to correct, but it would be nice to have a little rest from all my craziness.  I have plenty of flaws and faults.  These days they just seem to be more abundantly clear.  I know that I am my own worst critic.  I know that how things play out in my head are not always what happens, but again it would be nice for a little less drama and more peace.

I know that I am on a search to find my place in life.  I think that for a while now I have been going at things all wrong.  I need to make peace with myself to be able to move forward.  I also need to stop looking for answers from other.  Only I have the answers to my questions.  I need to worry about me and not others view of my worthiness in their lives.  I need to stop looking over my shoulder.  I just need to live.  To breath.  To see.  To enjoy.

I need to be me.  Find the "Me" that I have pushed aside and stay the "Me".  I have been at fault for trying to be something I am not.  I have tried to fit a mold of someone else's idea.  I need to be ok with me being me.  Not worrying about asking forgiveness for it.  And I need to learn that it is ok to try and fail.  Even if it hurts or is a disappointment.  Even if it changes my view on something or someone.  I have played it safe for a long, long time.  I will not hide behind the illusions I create in my mind or want to believe.  I will start questioning people's motives.  There have been trials and errors in my life.  I have been let down, but I keep moving forward.  I have been given the same lesson over and over again by different people or areas in my life.  I need to learn that lesson.  I need to remember that lesson so as I may be able to truly move forward.  So as I may be able to learn a new lesson.  I am so tired of being let down.  I feel as though that is my "norm" right now.  Or am I being let down because I keeping looking at the wrong place and at the wrong time?  For once it would be nice to be in the right place at the right time.  Perhaps one of these days I will.  For now though, I will just hold on to my lessons.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Two months...Oops

Two months have gone by since my last post.  My bad..

There have been plenty of things going on in my life though.  The "re-construction" of Melissa and my new life is in full effect.

I will not lie and say that things have been all sunshine and rainbows.  I do have my bad days.  But not nearly as much as before.  I have learned that I have been consumed with me and my problems that I have pushed others aside.  I am sorry for that.  I am still learning how exactly to move on.  To get passed all my craziness.  I live a rather secluded life right now.  I choose it because I am afraid.  Afraid of rejection.  Afraid of unworthiness.  Afraid that I will say the wrong thing.  Afraid that I will become too attached to someone.  Afraid.  But now is the time to move past that fear.  To get out of my head and start living.  At times though it is hard.  It is hard because of the Ex.  He thought we could be friends.  He was wrong.  When he finally admitted that his girlfriend was a girl he met in Afghan, he just helped reaffirm to me that I need to start believing in my gut.  In some of the thoughts I have.

For those that know me, you can attest that I am an over thinker.  The problem lies with me and the need to over analyze EVERYTHING.  I do not know when or how it came about.  I do not know if I have always been like this or if it was from my life experiences that made it happen.  All I know is that it is there.  At times, it bothers me and gets the best of me.  It really does. 

I can officially say that I have a permanent job.  I am looking for a place to live for myself and the dogs.  I am moving forward.  I am trying.

Last week, I went to NC for my father's retirement ceremony.  It was so nice to leave California and see my family and friends.  After 30 years of being a Marine, my father gets a new chapter in life.  My father is an amazing person.  I aspire to be like him.  More importantly, I will aspire to truly find people who share his qualities to be in my life.  I am talking about the whole range of my life- not just the dating arena.  I had downtime to think about what I want to do with my life.  I still have not figured it all out, but that week on the beach helped me immensely.  I need to get right by me.  I need to stop putting factors and variables up for me to consider.  This is about me and my future.  I also had time to think about priorities.   

It was an emotional time at NC.  My father said it best though when he said, "Melissa has had a tough year."  No joke.  I have.  Sometimes I feel as though I have been through Hell and back, but I am still standing.  I tried to maintain a level of self-control.  I have been trying to keep things in the orderly fashion that I like to categorize things, but lines have been becoming fuzzy.  Sometimes, I feel as though there is a haze in front of me and I am lost.  But I suppose that is life.  Life does not get easier, you get stronger and learn how to adapt to certain things.  I know that now.  10% is the cause and 90% is the reaction.  Or something along those lines.  I have been sitting on the sidelines of my life.  It is now time to get into the Game.  Fear of the unknown has kept me still.  What happened to me?  I used to speak my mind.  I used to go after things that I wanted.  When did I become so frightened?  And why the HELL do I put so much thought into what others may think of me?  At the end of the day, it is just me and my conscience that I have to live with.

I had the opportunity to hang out with my extended family.  It was truly a blessing.  I had not seen them in quite some time.  Others it was nearly 12 years.  I enjoyed the sand, sun and surf.  I enjoyed the time spent with them.  Even though we are far apart and had not seen each other in years, we picked up right where we had left off. 

I returned to Cali with a renewed spirit.  I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.  I just have to try it.  (Remember the sideline comment).  I hid behind titles and roles.  I no longer have titles and roles.  There is nothing from me to hide behind.... well, there is, but I am choosing not to.  I could stand on my self-righteous soap box and exclaim that "I did not cheat!  I did not lie!  I did not...  I was a damn good wife!"  But the fact of the matter is, that yes it happened.  Yes, I lived through it.  And I will move on.  Holding on to the Hate is holding onto the Ex and the "what-ifs" that may or may not surface.. so I choose to not Hate.  I choose simply to move on.  And I will be a better person for that... eventually.

I want to go to school.  I want to have a career.  I would like to be successful in how I view success.  Now will be about me figuring out what I want to go to school for and what I would like my career to be.  Should I have done this years ago?  Sure.  But my priorities were a little different then and this is now.

So, I will try and keep this thing updated a little better.  But as the Melissa construction site is in full blast moving, I cannot promise anything right now.  Still sorting through all my crap to find my buried treasure.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Slacking.. Busy??

Alright, so I have been off the radar again for a couple weeks now, but between work and trying to find a social life I had been burning both ends of my candle.  Trust me.  I am usually an 8-9 hour kind of gal.  But today I woke up from a 13 hour snooze.  Do not get me wrong, it felt amazing and I feel rejuvenated.  And for the most part, I have learned my lesson. 

However, that does not really solve the problem of me not having any "single" friends.  And no, I am not referencing guys in general for dating.  I am stating that with my new status, I kinda need some different friends to hang out with sometimes.  I still love my family (friends are family to me), but I also need to find some people that are on the same playing field as me.  I am not looking for "mom-and-me-play-dates" but I am also not looking for "It-is-so-loud-and-so-late-club-nights".  I know, I am sounding pretty old right about now and that is also something else... I need to find people that have the same ideas and are around the same age as me.  It would be cool to hang out with 21 year olds... NOT!  No offense to my sister or anyone else that is around that age that may read this, but I think I have done my time in Night clubs.  I like to chill at home, with a glass of wine, by a fire... I do realize that there is my problem in the first place, but where would I even begin to make "Single" friends?  I have been in a couple for way too long to know where to start.   

Sleep is not the only thing that I have been slacking on though.  I have been slacking on a little bit of everything that I had made into my "routine"(for the lack of better words).  So I am restarting the 21-Day Sugar Detox.  I fell of that band wagon and smacked and stumbled into "OH NO LAND"  Trust me when I say that.  And without going into too much detail lets just say that I feel fluffy for the first time in MONTHS and I do NOT like it.  I do not like the bloating feeling.  It makes me feel like I belong in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  (oh yeah... I went there). 

However, I have not been watching TV as often (perhaps not having random channels easily accessible any longer is a blessing) but I have been reading.  Oh... how I love books.  It is so much better than watching something.  I have enough drama in my life that I do not need to feel the anxiety of "fake drama".  I would rather lavish in written words and allow my imagination to paint a picture of what the author is saying.  Just me though.  It is a splendid feeling how words can stir any emotion that you may interpret or the author put in there. 

So, 21-Day Sugar Detox commences.... yet again...starting........NOW!

Sunday, April 1, 2012


Well, I have been going through a lot of things these days: mainly working, but there has been a little emotion involved.  I must say that one of the best compliments that I received earlier this week was from a friend of mine.  As I approached her, she said, "Where did my friend go?  You look amazing"  Later on in the conversation, she stated, "Melissa, you are handling this like a lady."  When she said it I just shrugged it off, attempting not to cry, and stated, "I said from the very beginning I did not want to lose me in this battle."  But the compliment in of itself is still a HIGH for me.  Me a Lady.  Better than that, acting like one.  But it is not just an act folks, nope, I am the real deal.

I was driving home from work yesterday thinking to myself where I want to be in a year.  Images were flashing through my mind.  Career. House. Car. Beach. Books.  I cannot pick just one particular image or thought that I would want, but at least I know that they are there in the back of my mind.  As I was thinking about things I would like to accomplish though there are plenty of things that I have already accomplished without ever really trying.  I have a great support system of family and friends (this one is key to my success).  I have my health.  A job.  Food and Clothing.  Freshly shavin' legs and out of the dryer sheets. 

For those that do not know me well enough, it truly is the small things in life that matter to me.  It is.  And I might have said it before but I will say it again, I expect great things from people because I would be willing to do great things for them.  Some times I am disappointed.  Some times, I am left in amazement.  There have been some people that I have distance myself from.  Some because I am in control of my life, not them.  Others, I am learning to truly trust them and myself.  I am guarding myself very tightly.  I am looking out for my own interests.  No one else will have my BEST interest at heart, but me.  I feel for the first time in a while.... Free.

I have been a bit extreme these days with work and I have allowed it to get the best of me... plus, I have been wanting to do fun things and not worry about the consequences of it.  I have been staying up late and eating all kinds of wrong-for-me-food.  My buddy, Civilized Caveman is about to start the 21-day (His is 30 day) Sugar Detox.  I will be right there with him.  I kept pushing off some sad excuse as to, "Oh it is not that kinda could be considered Paleo"... "or I will workout when I get home..." and then I wonder why I get scatterbrained or cannot sleep, or my stomach hurts, or I have not felt good in a few days.  

So, Today and all the rest of the days to come are about me.  I need to focus on myself and get in the direction I want to go.  I do not want to be stagnant.  I want to keep moving forward. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Notes to Self

People asked about you today,
I shrugged and said "I don't know".
I thought about explaining it,
But I chose to let it go.
I thought about the past,
As I continued on my way.
I am thankful for the lessons
That I now know today.
Even though things got messy
And hateful words were said,
The memories of you and me
Will play in my heart and head.
As I pick up the pieces that were shattered on the floor,
There is nothing that I want from you anymore.
As I filter through these emotions of mine,
I smile through it all
Acting as though I am fine.
It may take awhile for me
To get on my feet and try,
But once I do
I will find that true someone
Who will not make me cry
---That being me.

My poem to me

No one will love me the way I need to be loved the way I can love me.  No one will accept me the way I can accept myself.  People will look at me and judge me for my appearance, behavior, and emotions.  But I will never have to ask myself for forgiveness.  I will never have to ask myself to give me attention or time.  It is hard for me to be vulnerable with just anyone.  However, I cannot hide from myself. 

I just need to learn to stop being so hard on myself.  I need to learn that failure sometimes is a good thing.  I will put myself out there and I will be shunned or rejected.  I need not let it bother me as much as it has in the past.  I need to learn that along with success, failures will come along the way.  If you are truly my friend, I will either know it automatically or I will find out along the way.  For those that may hurt me, I need to learn how to forgive and move on.  I should not dwell on what "could have been", "should have been" or "would have been".  There may be relationships on the way that start and fizzle out.  There may be some that continue to burn. 

I am a very hopeful person.  I will not fight for attention nor affection from anyone though.  I have done that for far too long.  Either you want to be around me or you don't.  Guys and girls included.  I am not a mean person, but I will tell you like it is if you ask.  I will apologize when I feel as though I have wronged you, but do not mistake that as a weakness. 

I am learning "Life" again.  I am dusting myself off.  I may be a bit rusty.  I may not talk to some friends for a while, but it does not mean that I do not care.  Life is too short and too precious to sweat all the small stuff.  I am learning. 

Forgive.  Forget.  Love yourself.  Don't let people take the control away from you.  I may not have been the "right" one or "good enough" in someone else's mind, but I need to at least be that way to me.  I am learning that there might be more assholes than real people, but at least I am learning that now. 

I will take every failure as a lesson.  Every success as a pat on the back or the feeling of going in the right direction.  I will put myself out there, even if only to be turned down at the first sign of trouble.  It might be hard for me at first, but after enough practice it will not be. 

I will eventually make friends that are not mutual and have to share them or be careful of what I say around certain people.  I do expect a lot out of my friends, but mainly it is because I expect that out of me.  I will be loyal to those who mean something to me... but now I just know not to make it a fault. 

I am not a confrontational person.  I will avoid it as much as possible, but I will stand up for myself or just walk away.  I have fought for something for so long, without realizing that I was the one who held the answers to the questions that I had.  I do not need my friends and family to worry about me.  No one will have the control that I released from my grips.  I will hold onto myself and never lose her again.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Ranting And Raving!!!

Today, Tommy comes home.  Today, the thing that has helped me maintain and manage sensibly is leaving me with each mile he gets closer to home.  Today, I am weak.  NOT because I want him.  NOT because I want to stay married.  NOT for any other reason than it has "HIT" me. 

I am a good person.  That is what I keep telling myself.  I really hope that it is true.  Because I do believe that I deserve good things to happen, but right about now I feel like I am at the bottom of a wave, trying so hard to reach the surface to catch my breath with not a chance.  I understand that everything must be demolished before you can rebuild.  I get it.  I might have tried to rush certain processes, but I am aware of my mistakes.  That will not happen again.

I saw my in-laws tonight.  Probably the last time I will ever see them, at least as my in-laws.  They were kind and told me that they loved me.  It was nice getting to see them. 

Now it is time for me to get my head on straight.  Now is the time for those who said they would be in my corner to step up.  I am on the road to somewhere.. I just have not found my path yet.  I will need encouragement along the way.  I will need hugs, laughs, support of all kinds, maybe some alcohol, and maybe some exercise.  I am going to need some of your strengths to get me through.  People always tell me how strong I am.  Apparently, I do not know my own strength and they can see it.  

7 months ago, who knew that I would be at this place?  Who knew that I would have had so many trials?  So many errors?  So many epic fails? 

As the tears stream down my face that I am constantly trying to wipe away, I am reminded that "it is always darkest before dawn"... but why do I feel so lost?  So scared?  So hopeless? 

I am not trying to be dramatic.  It may seem like that.  I am just being real.  I am being me.  No one is perfect.  I am willing to accept my mistakes, failures, lessons.  I am willing to move forward.  That is the only way to go.  I will not remain stagnant.  I will persevere.  With some by my side or not.  With me doing it alone if necessary. 

I am tired of lead-ons, strings, attitudes.  I am tired of being told what to do.  I am tired of..... a lot. 

So cheers to me for having made it through a successful deployment of 7 months.  Cheers to me for lasting so long in a marriage that seemed impossible.  Cheers to those who made their own choices too! 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Haha! That is the best you got

How do you know when to keep going and when to let go?  That was a question that was asked to me the other day.  Not that I really felt the need to elaborate on any particular decision, nor did I find it necessary for me to defend my decisions, I just simply shrugged and said, "You just do.  I personally think it comes to me through moments of clarity."  BUT here is the thing: Why is it necessary for others to think that it is acceptable to be nosy and think that I will defend myself and my decisions?  They are mine.  I do not answer to anyone.  I am an adult.  Stop Judging me.  "Judge not lest ye be judged".  Why must I feel the need to say, "This is between us"  when it comes to certain people? Why?  If someone were to come up to me and talk about their day, I would listen.  Not repeat.  If I did in the past, then I apologize.  I am starting to learn that some people feed off of other's drama... or help add to it.  I have enough of my own that I do not need anyone stirring my pot. 

When I start dating again, or even just make new friends, I will try not to bring all the insecurities that I have as a result of my ended marriage: Trust.  While one word, so many reasons.  Trust to believe the words.  Trust for them to be sincere.  Trust in just about everything. For those that are out there that are truly in my corner, I appreciate you.  I may come off as naive or gullible, but in all actuality I am fully aware of my surroundings.  I am just kind enough not to say anything or call people out.  I am a very laid back kind of gal, who looks for that in her friends.  I have spent years with drama.  Years fighting.  Years of not feeling pretty/skinnier enough, or just not good enough period.  Years wanting someone to love me, The real Me.  Years hoping that what he had to say was true.  YEARS!! and staying around for as long as I did might have been a mistake, but instead of looking at it that way, I look at it as learning some really hard "Life-Lessons".

I was talking to an "old" friend/co-worker of mine the other day and he told me that Tommy will change his mind when he gets back (which is VERY SOON).  I have had several people tell me that.  I am here to tell the WHOLE WIDE WORLD that IF, IF that crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband does change his mind--- he has lost his EFFIN mind.  I am tired of it all.  I know that I cannot "out-run" my past or hide it underneath the bed or closet, but I am moving forward. "Even when you fall, you are still moving forward."   I used to say that HE had "growing pains" and that I had to feel every single one of them.  EVERY.  But now I know that IF he had been the man that he told me he was and the man I saw versus the man that EVERYONE else saw, then I would not be in this situation.... With that being said though, I would not be the person that I am today.  I know I am strong, but I am weak too.  You can tell me that I am beautiful and I will smile and say, "Thank you."  It is not that I do not believe you because I do, I am just very humbled and do not see what others see... or again, it might be one of those damn insecurities sneaking in. 

For those that missed my post last week, I am now between a size 8 or a size 10.  When I started my blog, I was fluctuating between a size 14 and a size 16.  I am amazed at my transformation.  I am amazed that I am actually looking myself in the mirror, really looking.  I am also amazed at my outlook on myself, life, possibilities.  Amazed.  Walking through the mall yesterday, heading to get myself a Cafe Americano and some random dude walks up and says, "It looks like we are heading in the same direction, hot stuff"  I say, "And what direction is that." The smart ass man said, "Anywhere you are going."  I rolled my eyes at him very, VERY dramatically.  I said "Thank you for the compliment, but that is the best line you got.  Oops, I just realized that I going in the wrong direction."  Busted a 180, and fled.  I am not saying that I was not flattered, but I will say that I was not comfortable with the situation.  I do know how to hold my own, but I was uncomfortable about it because there I was minding my own business and out of nowhere some dude is walking and talking with me as if we have known each other for years.  After passing a few stores, I went into one and watched as this guy walked by... Apparently he also did a 180.  I am not familiar with the rules of dating these days... Obviously since I have been out of the game for about 6 years.  But sad and overused pick-up lines, are definitely not how a guy will get my attention.  Last but not least, and this goes for everyone: You want my attention, then give me yours.