Monday, March 26, 2012

Notes to Self

People asked about you today,
I shrugged and said "I don't know".
I thought about explaining it,
But I chose to let it go.
I thought about the past,
As I continued on my way.
I am thankful for the lessons
That I now know today.
Even though things got messy
And hateful words were said,
The memories of you and me
Will play in my heart and head.
As I pick up the pieces that were shattered on the floor,
There is nothing that I want from you anymore.
As I filter through these emotions of mine,
I smile through it all
Acting as though I am fine.
It may take awhile for me
To get on my feet and try,
But once I do
I will find that true someone
Who will not make me cry
---That being me.

My poem to me

No one will love me the way I need to be loved the way I can love me.  No one will accept me the way I can accept myself.  People will look at me and judge me for my appearance, behavior, and emotions.  But I will never have to ask myself for forgiveness.  I will never have to ask myself to give me attention or time.  It is hard for me to be vulnerable with just anyone.  However, I cannot hide from myself. 

I just need to learn to stop being so hard on myself.  I need to learn that failure sometimes is a good thing.  I will put myself out there and I will be shunned or rejected.  I need not let it bother me as much as it has in the past.  I need to learn that along with success, failures will come along the way.  If you are truly my friend, I will either know it automatically or I will find out along the way.  For those that may hurt me, I need to learn how to forgive and move on.  I should not dwell on what "could have been", "should have been" or "would have been".  There may be relationships on the way that start and fizzle out.  There may be some that continue to burn. 

I am a very hopeful person.  I will not fight for attention nor affection from anyone though.  I have done that for far too long.  Either you want to be around me or you don't.  Guys and girls included.  I am not a mean person, but I will tell you like it is if you ask.  I will apologize when I feel as though I have wronged you, but do not mistake that as a weakness. 

I am learning "Life" again.  I am dusting myself off.  I may be a bit rusty.  I may not talk to some friends for a while, but it does not mean that I do not care.  Life is too short and too precious to sweat all the small stuff.  I am learning. 

Forgive.  Forget.  Love yourself.  Don't let people take the control away from you.  I may not have been the "right" one or "good enough" in someone else's mind, but I need to at least be that way to me.  I am learning that there might be more assholes than real people, but at least I am learning that now. 

I will take every failure as a lesson.  Every success as a pat on the back or the feeling of going in the right direction.  I will put myself out there, even if only to be turned down at the first sign of trouble.  It might be hard for me at first, but after enough practice it will not be. 

I will eventually make friends that are not mutual and have to share them or be careful of what I say around certain people.  I do expect a lot out of my friends, but mainly it is because I expect that out of me.  I will be loyal to those who mean something to me... but now I just know not to make it a fault. 

I am not a confrontational person.  I will avoid it as much as possible, but I will stand up for myself or just walk away.  I have fought for something for so long, without realizing that I was the one who held the answers to the questions that I had.  I do not need my friends and family to worry about me.  No one will have the control that I released from my grips.  I will hold onto myself and never lose her again.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Ranting And Raving!!!

Today, Tommy comes home.  Today, the thing that has helped me maintain and manage sensibly is leaving me with each mile he gets closer to home.  Today, I am weak.  NOT because I want him.  NOT because I want to stay married.  NOT for any other reason than it has "HIT" me. 

I am a good person.  That is what I keep telling myself.  I really hope that it is true.  Because I do believe that I deserve good things to happen, but right about now I feel like I am at the bottom of a wave, trying so hard to reach the surface to catch my breath with not a chance.  I understand that everything must be demolished before you can rebuild.  I get it.  I might have tried to rush certain processes, but I am aware of my mistakes.  That will not happen again.

I saw my in-laws tonight.  Probably the last time I will ever see them, at least as my in-laws.  They were kind and told me that they loved me.  It was nice getting to see them. 

Now it is time for me to get my head on straight.  Now is the time for those who said they would be in my corner to step up.  I am on the road to somewhere.. I just have not found my path yet.  I will need encouragement along the way.  I will need hugs, laughs, support of all kinds, maybe some alcohol, and maybe some exercise.  I am going to need some of your strengths to get me through.  People always tell me how strong I am.  Apparently, I do not know my own strength and they can see it.  

7 months ago, who knew that I would be at this place?  Who knew that I would have had so many trials?  So many errors?  So many epic fails? 

As the tears stream down my face that I am constantly trying to wipe away, I am reminded that "it is always darkest before dawn"... but why do I feel so lost?  So scared?  So hopeless? 

I am not trying to be dramatic.  It may seem like that.  I am just being real.  I am being me.  No one is perfect.  I am willing to accept my mistakes, failures, lessons.  I am willing to move forward.  That is the only way to go.  I will not remain stagnant.  I will persevere.  With some by my side or not.  With me doing it alone if necessary. 

I am tired of lead-ons, strings, attitudes.  I am tired of being told what to do.  I am tired of..... a lot. 

So cheers to me for having made it through a successful deployment of 7 months.  Cheers to me for lasting so long in a marriage that seemed impossible.  Cheers to those who made their own choices too! 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Haha! That is the best you got

How do you know when to keep going and when to let go?  That was a question that was asked to me the other day.  Not that I really felt the need to elaborate on any particular decision, nor did I find it necessary for me to defend my decisions, I just simply shrugged and said, "You just do.  I personally think it comes to me through moments of clarity."  BUT here is the thing: Why is it necessary for others to think that it is acceptable to be nosy and think that I will defend myself and my decisions?  They are mine.  I do not answer to anyone.  I am an adult.  Stop Judging me.  "Judge not lest ye be judged".  Why must I feel the need to say, "This is between us"  when it comes to certain people? Why?  If someone were to come up to me and talk about their day, I would listen.  Not repeat.  If I did in the past, then I apologize.  I am starting to learn that some people feed off of other's drama... or help add to it.  I have enough of my own that I do not need anyone stirring my pot. 

When I start dating again, or even just make new friends, I will try not to bring all the insecurities that I have as a result of my ended marriage: Trust.  While one word, so many reasons.  Trust to believe the words.  Trust for them to be sincere.  Trust in just about everything. For those that are out there that are truly in my corner, I appreciate you.  I may come off as naive or gullible, but in all actuality I am fully aware of my surroundings.  I am just kind enough not to say anything or call people out.  I am a very laid back kind of gal, who looks for that in her friends.  I have spent years with drama.  Years fighting.  Years of not feeling pretty/skinnier enough, or just not good enough period.  Years wanting someone to love me, The real Me.  Years hoping that what he had to say was true.  YEARS!! and staying around for as long as I did might have been a mistake, but instead of looking at it that way, I look at it as learning some really hard "Life-Lessons".

I was talking to an "old" friend/co-worker of mine the other day and he told me that Tommy will change his mind when he gets back (which is VERY SOON).  I have had several people tell me that.  I am here to tell the WHOLE WIDE WORLD that IF, IF that crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband does change his mind--- he has lost his EFFIN mind.  I am tired of it all.  I know that I cannot "out-run" my past or hide it underneath the bed or closet, but I am moving forward. "Even when you fall, you are still moving forward."   I used to say that HE had "growing pains" and that I had to feel every single one of them.  EVERY.  But now I know that IF he had been the man that he told me he was and the man I saw versus the man that EVERYONE else saw, then I would not be in this situation.... With that being said though, I would not be the person that I am today.  I know I am strong, but I am weak too.  You can tell me that I am beautiful and I will smile and say, "Thank you."  It is not that I do not believe you because I do, I am just very humbled and do not see what others see... or again, it might be one of those damn insecurities sneaking in. 

For those that missed my post last week, I am now between a size 8 or a size 10.  When I started my blog, I was fluctuating between a size 14 and a size 16.  I am amazed at my transformation.  I am amazed that I am actually looking myself in the mirror, really looking.  I am also amazed at my outlook on myself, life, possibilities.  Amazed.  Walking through the mall yesterday, heading to get myself a Cafe Americano and some random dude walks up and says, "It looks like we are heading in the same direction, hot stuff"  I say, "And what direction is that." The smart ass man said, "Anywhere you are going."  I rolled my eyes at him very, VERY dramatically.  I said "Thank you for the compliment, but that is the best line you got.  Oops, I just realized that I going in the wrong direction."  Busted a 180, and fled.  I am not saying that I was not flattered, but I will say that I was not comfortable with the situation.  I do know how to hold my own, but I was uncomfortable about it because there I was minding my own business and out of nowhere some dude is walking and talking with me as if we have known each other for years.  After passing a few stores, I went into one and watched as this guy walked by... Apparently he also did a 180.  I am not familiar with the rules of dating these days... Obviously since I have been out of the game for about 6 years.  But sad and overused pick-up lines, are definitely not how a guy will get my attention.  Last but not least, and this goes for everyone: You want my attention, then give me yours.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

My OH My

This week has been a lot about opportunities and I do believe that I have been open and willing to except a lot of them without hesitation.  For those that know me, that was not me.  Sometimes I calculated things to the point of no return and was still indecisive.  But as I said in my previous post, Life is about change.  I believe that all the steps that I have been taking are GIANT leaps forward.  Forward to a new life.  A new beginning. 

As weird as it may sound, this divorce is one of the best things that Tommy ever gave me.  It helped me center myself.  It helped me realize who I really am (even though I had struggled with that identity for a little bit).  It also helped me re-kindle friendships that I had not even known that the embers were still there and I am glad to say that I do not think that it is necessary for me to hold out on friendships because of  the uncomfortably of my partner or due to the fact that my partner does not get along with those people.  On a different note, I am also fully aware that some of my friendships died or were held back because of their dislike for Tommy.  Hindsight is 20/20 though. 

When there will be a next person, they will understand that I am an individual first and a couple second.  They will not have a problem with whom my friends are; they will accept me for who I am: a friendly, loyal, outgoing person who has a plethora of friends that range from all over the country.. even world.

On an absolutely different note, I went clothes shopping today.  Ahhh... yes.  and I was dreading it at first until I tried on my first pair of pants.  Size 12.  WAY TOO BIG! Size 10.  Baggy.  Size 8. Perfect fit.  Thank you Gap! lol

Also, this weekend I got to hang out with my brother, his girlfriend and the kiddos yesterday.  The adults hung out and drank a few Coronas in memory of a dear friend of ours that we lost in 2008.  Today would have been his birthday.  Marcus Preudhomme, you may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

Life is all about change.  But let's not get caught up in all the dramas of it without allowing yourself a little room to play.  I was talking with a friend of mine earlier today and I promised them that I will "keep things real, but fun.  Otherwise, life is boring."  I meant it.  And one more thing:  I will not change myself or my views for anyone and I will not apologize for that.  Either you like me the way that I am and you will not try and change me or -----> THERE IS THE DOOR!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Well well

So, as life has it, there is constant change.  I think that is what keeps all of us going.  No matter how much some people "hate" change, it will happen.  With that being said, I cut off some of my hair, went a little more blonde, and got some pep in my step. 

For those that really know me, you know that I dislike being "vulnerable" in any sense, but these days I tend to find myself just that.  But for those that are willing to put up with it, I appreciate it.  Also, things are looking brighter than what they used to.  I seem to have found certain things in my life, whether tangible or a figure of speech.

I wanted to say that I am a positive person.  It is not a front.  It is just who I am.  I will never ask for forgiveness for that, nor do I expect anyone to ask that of me.  However, I am also a very analytical person and at times I dissect conversations or actions to the smallest detail.  Call it insecurity, call it wacky, call it whatever you may want.  Sometimes I can turn it off and sometimes I cannot.  Sometimes I spend the nights tossing and turning trying to turn my brain off. 

With that said though, I am glad to have the friends that I have, whether they have been around for a while or a new extension.  I am truly a blessed person.  Having these friends leaves me feeling less of the need for affirmation that I will succeed.  I can see it in their facial expressions or hear it in their voices when they speak to me.  Again, THANK YOU.