How do you know when to keep going and when to let go? That was a question that was asked to me the other day. Not that I really felt the need to elaborate on any particular decision, nor did I find it necessary for me to defend my decisions, I just simply shrugged and said, "You just do. I personally think it comes to me through moments of clarity." BUT here is the thing: Why is it necessary for others to think that it is acceptable to be nosy and think that I will defend myself and my decisions? They are mine. I do not answer to anyone. I am an adult. Stop Judging me. "Judge not lest ye be judged". Why must I feel the need to say, "This is between us" when it comes to certain people? Why? If someone were to come up to me and talk about their day, I would listen. Not repeat. If I did in the past, then I apologize. I am starting to learn that some people feed off of other's drama... or help add to it. I have enough of my own that I do not need anyone stirring my pot.
When I start dating again, or even just make new friends, I will try not to bring all the insecurities that I have as a result of my ended marriage: Trust. While one word, so many reasons. Trust to believe the words. Trust for them to be sincere. Trust in just about everything. For those that are out there that are truly in my corner, I appreciate you. I may come off as naive or gullible, but in all actuality I am fully aware of my surroundings. I am just kind enough not to say anything or call people out. I am a very laid back kind of gal, who looks for that in her friends. I have spent years with drama. Years fighting. Years of not feeling pretty/skinnier enough, or just not good enough period. Years wanting someone to love me, The real Me. Years hoping that what he had to say was true. YEARS!! and staying around for as long as I did might have been a mistake, but instead of looking at it that way, I look at it as learning some really hard "Life-Lessons".
I was talking to an "old" friend/co-worker of mine the other day and he told me that Tommy will change his mind when he gets back (which is VERY SOON). I have had several people tell me that. I am here to tell the WHOLE WIDE WORLD that IF, IF that crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband does change his mind--- he has lost his EFFIN mind. I am tired of it all. I know that I cannot "out-run" my past or hide it underneath the bed or closet, but I am moving forward. "Even when you fall, you are still moving forward." I used to say that HE had "growing pains" and that I had to feel every single one of them. EVERY. But now I know that IF he had been the man that he told me he was and the man I saw versus the man that EVERYONE else saw, then I would not be in this situation.... With that being said though, I would not be the person that I am today. I know I am strong, but I am weak too. You can tell me that I am beautiful and I will smile and say, "Thank you." It is not that I do not believe you because I do, I am just very humbled and do not see what others see... or again, it might be one of those damn insecurities sneaking in.
For those that missed my post last week, I am now between a size 8 or a size 10. When I started my blog, I was fluctuating between a size 14 and a size 16. I am amazed at my transformation. I am amazed that I am actually looking myself in the mirror, really looking. I am also amazed at my outlook on myself, life, possibilities. Amazed. Walking through the mall yesterday, heading to get myself a Cafe Americano and some random dude walks up and says, "It looks like we are heading in the same direction, hot stuff" I say, "And what direction is that." The smart ass man said, "Anywhere you are going." I rolled my eyes at him very, VERY dramatically. I said "Thank you for the compliment, but that is the best line you got. Oops, I just realized that I going in the wrong direction." Busted a 180, and fled. I am not saying that I was not flattered, but I will say that I was not comfortable with the situation. I do know how to hold my own, but I was uncomfortable about it because there I was minding my own business and out of nowhere some dude is walking and talking with me as if we have known each other for years. After passing a few stores, I went into one and watched as this guy walked by... Apparently he also did a 180. I am not familiar with the rules of dating these days... Obviously since I have been out of the game for about 6 years. But sad and overused pick-up lines, are definitely not how a guy will get my attention. Last but not least, and this goes for everyone: You want my attention, then give me yours.