Today, Tommy comes home. Today, the thing that has helped me maintain and manage sensibly is leaving me with each mile he gets closer to home. Today, I am weak. NOT because I want him. NOT because I want to stay married. NOT for any other reason than it has "HIT" me.
I am a good person. That is what I keep telling myself. I really hope that it is true. Because I do believe that I deserve good things to happen, but right about now I feel like I am at the bottom of a wave, trying so hard to reach the surface to catch my breath with not a chance. I understand that everything must be demolished before you can rebuild. I get it. I might have tried to rush certain processes, but I am aware of my mistakes. That will not happen again.
I saw my in-laws tonight. Probably the last time I will ever see them, at least as my in-laws. They were kind and told me that they loved me. It was nice getting to see them.
Now it is time for me to get my head on straight. Now is the time for those who said they would be in my corner to step up. I am on the road to somewhere.. I just have not found my path yet. I will need encouragement along the way. I will need hugs, laughs, support of all kinds, maybe some alcohol, and maybe some exercise. I am going to need some of your strengths to get me through. People always tell me how strong I am. Apparently, I do not know my own strength and they can see it.
7 months ago, who knew that I would be at this place? Who knew that I would have had so many trials? So many errors? So many epic fails?
As the tears stream down my face that I am constantly trying to wipe away, I am reminded that "it is always darkest before dawn"... but why do I feel so lost? So scared? So hopeless?
I am not trying to be dramatic. It may seem like that. I am just being real. I am being me. No one is perfect. I am willing to accept my mistakes, failures, lessons. I am willing to move forward. That is the only way to go. I will not remain stagnant. I will persevere. With some by my side or not. With me doing it alone if necessary.
I am tired of lead-ons, strings, attitudes. I am tired of being told what to do. I am tired of..... a lot.
So cheers to me for having made it through a successful deployment of 7 months. Cheers to me for lasting so long in a marriage that seemed impossible. Cheers to those who made their own choices too!