Monday, March 26, 2012

Notes to Self

People asked about you today,
I shrugged and said "I don't know".
I thought about explaining it,
But I chose to let it go.
I thought about the past,
As I continued on my way.
I am thankful for the lessons
That I now know today.
Even though things got messy
And hateful words were said,
The memories of you and me
Will play in my heart and head.
As I pick up the pieces that were shattered on the floor,
There is nothing that I want from you anymore.
As I filter through these emotions of mine,
I smile through it all
Acting as though I am fine.
It may take awhile for me
To get on my feet and try,
But once I do
I will find that true someone
Who will not make me cry
---That being me.

My poem to me

No one will love me the way I need to be loved the way I can love me.  No one will accept me the way I can accept myself.  People will look at me and judge me for my appearance, behavior, and emotions.  But I will never have to ask myself for forgiveness.  I will never have to ask myself to give me attention or time.  It is hard for me to be vulnerable with just anyone.  However, I cannot hide from myself. 

I just need to learn to stop being so hard on myself.  I need to learn that failure sometimes is a good thing.  I will put myself out there and I will be shunned or rejected.  I need not let it bother me as much as it has in the past.  I need to learn that along with success, failures will come along the way.  If you are truly my friend, I will either know it automatically or I will find out along the way.  For those that may hurt me, I need to learn how to forgive and move on.  I should not dwell on what "could have been", "should have been" or "would have been".  There may be relationships on the way that start and fizzle out.  There may be some that continue to burn. 

I am a very hopeful person.  I will not fight for attention nor affection from anyone though.  I have done that for far too long.  Either you want to be around me or you don't.  Guys and girls included.  I am not a mean person, but I will tell you like it is if you ask.  I will apologize when I feel as though I have wronged you, but do not mistake that as a weakness. 

I am learning "Life" again.  I am dusting myself off.  I may be a bit rusty.  I may not talk to some friends for a while, but it does not mean that I do not care.  Life is too short and too precious to sweat all the small stuff.  I am learning. 

Forgive.  Forget.  Love yourself.  Don't let people take the control away from you.  I may not have been the "right" one or "good enough" in someone else's mind, but I need to at least be that way to me.  I am learning that there might be more assholes than real people, but at least I am learning that now. 

I will take every failure as a lesson.  Every success as a pat on the back or the feeling of going in the right direction.  I will put myself out there, even if only to be turned down at the first sign of trouble.  It might be hard for me at first, but after enough practice it will not be. 

I will eventually make friends that are not mutual and have to share them or be careful of what I say around certain people.  I do expect a lot out of my friends, but mainly it is because I expect that out of me.  I will be loyal to those who mean something to me... but now I just know not to make it a fault. 

I am not a confrontational person.  I will avoid it as much as possible, but I will stand up for myself or just walk away.  I have fought for something for so long, without realizing that I was the one who held the answers to the questions that I had.  I do not need my friends and family to worry about me.  No one will have the control that I released from my grips.  I will hold onto myself and never lose her again.

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